Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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