I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize