so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
