I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
