she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
