my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i have herpe
just one?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
