I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
