I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
