Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
