My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
