his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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