I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
