I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
