so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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