I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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