: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
