i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
