I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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