I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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