i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
