Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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