I'm so fucking centered right now
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
