Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
