dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
