The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I need moral support for this bender
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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