My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
