On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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