I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
