my phone needs a breathalizer
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize