Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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