Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
