you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
