my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
