Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
