I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
