I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
