The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
