Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize