I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
