Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
