I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
