on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
