So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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