My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
