We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
