Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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