I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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