can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
