Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
