In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
