I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
