I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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