the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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