just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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