How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
