you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
