We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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