I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
