the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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