Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
